Pending Doom

I was sitting on the couch wasting my day off postulating about the past events and the events to come. One in particular looming event is that school starts in just under four weeks. I enrolled for classes Monday at 12:10a.m. and then I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. It is as if my execution date has been set and I have a few short weeks to get my affairs in order. Dramatic I know but consider this, once again I am shackled to one place. I will have homework that is never finished. So, no matter what I am doing I have that nagging voice in the back of my head saying "you should be studying", or "you should be making a better use of your time".
I walk into that classroom on the first day and I feel it, everybody does, that is why they keep coming back. That promise of possibilities, the what if, the big beautiful feeling of hope. There I am with my freshly sharpened pencils, clean white paper, and naive excitement that comes with hope. I walk through the door and find me a seat close to the front. Never in the middle; there is always something in the way making it difficult to get a clear view of the notes. Not next to some one if I can help it; I like to spread out so can see everything at once. Most importantly, close enough to the front so there are less distractions between myself and the the subject at hand. Anal I know. He/she passes out the syllabus and make a few jokes about how this class is going to be hard and that you should be spending at least two hours out of class for every one hour in class. (I worked it out once and in order to study "enough" for all the classes I was taking and work full time, I would get between 2-4 hours of sleep a night but only on the days that I didn't have a lab).
Last fall was supposed to finish my AAS. I had been accepted to nursing school the following winter and I was talking this one last class before starting. Two days before the semester started I received a letter from the nursing school stating that one of my classes was out of order and that in order to begin the program I needed to take it over again. Now, this was not just any class, this class happened to be the bane of my very existence. Physiology. I had already taken it several times before and I struggled to say the least.
Just a side note about the act of enrolling in the particular class. Physiology is not offered in any other school in the valley except SLCC. It is usually one of the first classes to fill up and you have to sign up for the class as well as the lab simultaneously. So imagine how excited I was to receive this news two days before the semester began. To top this all off I was already set up with classes in a different school, financial aide and all. So I had to unenroll in one school, start over with financial aide and enroll into a different school with the hopes of getting into the class I needed so that the nursing school wouldn't drop me from their program. I did finally get into a class but for me it was the worst possible professor. She is good at what she does and she loves the subject but she was also in love with essays. I am awful at essays. There were at least three on very test that amounted to be worth at least 35-40% of your test grade. I do not wright that fast. I have been writing this blog entry for over an hour and it isn't that long. The tests were all timed. You had one hour and ten minutes to answer a mixture of 60 questions and then wright out three complete essays, gramer and punctuation counted (also things I'm not great at). I studied my tookus off for the first three tests and never got above a 68%. I sort of gave up after that. Suffice it to say I didn't get to go to nursing school and I had my self a small come apart.
The question has been posed as to whether or not I should continue to attempt this line of reasoning. Perhaps I am not cut out for it or that it may lead me into a life of sin... come on. First of all I have met allot of extremely stupid nurses in my time at the hospital and I promise you this, if they can do it, I sure as H can. As for the life of sin, yeah I could see that. Every Friday is dress like your favorite naughty nurse day with free shots for lunch, and just for kicks, we have a sturdy table if anyone should get the inclination to dance. I have resisted the temptation to join in thus far, but I can feel myself softening. :p
So enough of memory lane, the question now is where do I go from here. Do I 1: potentially waste more time attempting to go into a field that does not seem to want me, or 2: do I look for something new, which translates into start over again. Neither option makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Or is it some thing entirely different. My failure is 100% my own doing. I own that as a solid fact. So what is it that is holding my back from doing what it is I need to in order to succeed. Is it the fear of failure self fulfilled or the fear of success. Which brings me around to starting school in a couple of weeks. I am with out a doubt dreading going back. Do I need more time off or do I just need a swift kick in the head to finally finish. And to finish what exactly? I don't know the answers, I am a bit frustrated and confused.